Grass
by heyyo
Summary: Ryan has a secret that no one knows about until he's all alone. Warning: Pretty stinkin' sad.


**To people reading What's Going to Happen? Yes. It's not finished. I'm on the last chapter. As you can tell, it's going insanely slow. Anyway, I figured I should get out what is in my head. In an angsty one-shot…lol…. And this is pretty sad, so if you don't like tragic things, I wouldn't read this. I just all of a sudden got inspired to write this. So here I go. This was very slightly inspired by spoilers I read. But trust me, nothing like this will happen in the show. Nothing's mine.**

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It smelled like fresh-cut grass. Green, fresh-cut, Miami grass. He was tempted to reach down and feel it, but he could barely move as it was. Maybe if he just focused on the individual blades he could forget the present situation. There were men silently working a few feet away, concern and pity crossing their faces whenever they looked up and saw him. But he just couldn't move. He thought he would be ok that day; that he could handle it. Once it was over, he found himself sitting on a nearby bench, all alone. He was uncomfortable. It was too hot to wear a suit, and the collar was choking him. The shoes he was wearing rubbed the skin off one pinky toe on his right foot.

But he couldn't move. He didn't really know how he managed to breathe, but he figured instinct took over.

He saw a flash of yellow out of the corner of his eye and heard light footsteps. Soon he felt someone's presence.

"Um…" Calleigh started, "There's a… reception in the church…."

He didn't say anything. He barely even heard what she said. He just kept looking at the grass.

"Ryan…" She awkwardly said, "I think you should come inside."

"I don't want to." He said in the weakest, most strained voice she'd ever heard.

"Are you going to be ok?"

He sighed and felt the familiar sting come to his eyes.

Why couldn't he have taken that day off? He'd been working 9 days straight with no break, but no. He just couldn't say no to Horatio. The man acted so much like a father Ryan couldn't help but find himself attached to him, seeing as how he never knew his own father. He never said no.

He thought back to that day. It seemed like years ago, when in reality it was about 4.

"_But I don't WANNA go to school! My teacher hates me!!" wailed a 7 year old boy._

"_No she doesn't, she just wants you to try harder. Come on, we're going to be late."_

"_Can't I just quit school?"_

"_Not until you're 25. After you become a doctor."_

"_I wanna work at McDonald's!"_

_Ryan laughed and rolled his eyes as he scurried his son out the door. "Not if I can help it."_

"Ryan?" Calleigh snapped him back into present reality. She slowly reached for his hand and lightly entwined her fingers with his. The contact sent shockwaves through his body. This was the first person that made him feel like he could move on after what happened 7 years ago. But he felt horrible for wanting to love her. She was Eric's. He was happy for them, but it just made him feel even lonelier. But now he felt bad for thinking about her at a time like this. She was being comforting, not loving. This was what Calleigh did. Flashbacks plowed through his mind once again and he squeezed her hand.

"_So if it's a girl?" _

"_Uh....Snow White."_

_The woman had a puzzled look on her face. "What?"_

"_Cinderella?"_

"_You want to name our baby after Disney characters?"_

"_If it's a boy we can name him….Prince Charming….Or Ryan Jr. Same difference."_

_She laughed out loud. She had that kind of infectious laugh that made you laugh too even if you didn't know what was funny. "I think we should think a little less… cartoonish."_

_Ryan paced around their tiny bedroom in Boston. His very pregnant wife was sitting in a chair, looking at a baby book. Only a lamp was on and it was raining outside. He stared out the window at the quiet, wet streets and said, "I think it would help if the kid didn't shy away every time we did an ultrasound."_

_She looked up and smiled. "Then he's like you."_

"_So it's a he now?"_

"_I think so. I can feel it." She slowly lifted her and her extra 30 pounds out of the chair and joined him at the window. "I don't know if Prince Charming would work for a name though."_

"_I think you should choose the name then. I'm out of ideas."_

"_How about…Ringo." She looked at his face. "What? He was my favorite Beatle!"_

"_And Prince Charming was weird?"_

"_Ok ok…I like…Ronald."_

"_Like…"_

"_Like your uncle Ron."_

_He smiled at her. That would be perfect. The man was one of the only people in his life he could trust. "Yeah. I think that's good."_

"It wasn't your fault." Calleigh said softly.

He took a deep breath." Just…don't, Calleigh…"

"But you keep blaming yourself!" Her voice got a little louder, "It's not healthy to think like that! You loved him and that's all that mattered!"

"Then why is he dead, Calleigh?" He stood up and yelled, "Why is he under the ground being covered by dirt right now?! Why is he cold and lifeless when I go to touch his hand? Why doesn't he just wake up and say he was kidding?! Why is everyone here, dressed in black when they didn't even know him?!"

Calleigh still sat on the bench, her eyes as wide as saucers. Tears were streaming down his face, and the cemetery workers paused to watch.

He looked away and said in a smaller voice, "If I could have loved him more this wouldn't have happened." He sank back on the bench and she reached over and hugged him. He didn't respond or move at all. He barely felt her presence anymore. His eyes focused on the grass again.

_It was a 30 minute drive to the school. 30 minutes Ryan would literally kill to have back._

"_But math is stupid!"_

"_No it's not, it prepares you for…stuff."_

"_What kinda stuff?"_

"…_.More math." Ryan glanced over and saw his son roll his eyes. It was the exact same way his wife would do it whenever she woke up in the middle of the night and found him cleaning something. _

"_Can't we just skip school and go home?"_

"_No. I don't want you to get dumb."_

"_Just one day! Pllleeeeeeeeaaaasssseeee???"_

"_Son, I have to work today. And you need to go get smart. The weekends are for staying at home. Don't you have a baseball game today after school?"_

"_Hurry up and get to school dad!!"_

_Ryan tried not to laugh. He was glad to finally convince the boy to stop whining. _

"_Are you gonna come?"_

"_Of course." Ryan had never missed anything his son did. Every miniscule play, game, or event, Ryan was there. Even if it meant lying to his coworkers about why he had to leave a crime scene. He never knew his father, and he didn't want his son to go through any disappointment. Ever. There was no way he could bring his wife back though. He hoped that one day he could fill that void for his son anyway."_

"_Billy's dad never comes."_

"_Well tell Billy I'll be there to root for him too."_

"_Ok!"_

_They finally arrived at the school. Ryan stepped out and went to the other side of the car to grab the boy. As he was leading him into the school a voice yelled, "HEY WOLFE! THIS IS FOR MARTY!!!"_

He couldn't look at the grass anymore. It was all swirling into a green blur. Suddenly he noticed Calleigh was rubbing his back. "I can understand if you don't want to go to the reception…" She thought of the horrible days before. The first emotion she had was shock that Ryan had a kid. He never told anyone at CSI, except for Horatio. His reasoning was that he didn't want anyone feeling sorry for him or giving him breaks because he was a single dad. Or that he was a widower.

_She remembered going to the hospital and finding Eric in the hallway. "What has just happened? I have no idea what's going on!"_

_Eric gave her a quick hug and looked in her eyes. "Ryan….has a son. I mean…had a son."_

"_Wha…what?"_

"_He was dropping him off at school today and this guy just…shot him."_

"_Who….What?"_

"_It was the brother of the guy Ryan put away last week."_

"_Ohhhh my gosh….Is he….?"_

"_The kid didn't make it. Ryan wasn't hit."_

"_Where is he now?"_

"_The bathroom. In a stall. On the floor. I told the security guard not to let anyone in."_

"_Have you talked to him?"_

_Eric thought of the few minutes before when he finally found Ryan on the floor of the bathroom, looking like he was hit by a ton of bricks. "I tried. He won't say anything. He just looks straight ahead."_

_Horatio joined them, sorrow colored on his face. "Eric. Calleigh."_

"_What are we going to do Horatio?" Calleigh asked._

"_First, we're going to be here for Mr. Wolfe. I want someone with him at all times. Then, we're finding this man and making sure he doesn't see tomorrow." Horatio grumbled._

Calleigh looked hard at Ryan's face. She could always detect sadness somewhere in his eyes, but now he looked ten years older. She regretted all the times she had been mad at him. Whenever he'd accidentally claim evidence as his, when he would break protocol…. What she regretted most was that none of them had ever really accepted him as one of the team. Why did she hold so much animosity for the new guy when Speed died? It wasn't his fault. He was just trying to get a better job to support his son.

Ryan held his face in his hands. "Why couldn't it have been me? I was right there…"

"Don't talk like that, Ryan."

If I would have just stayed home like he asked…" She heard him choke on his words and she grabbed his hand again.

_The sleeping baby felt so small and helpless in his arms. Ryan couldn't believe he managed to get the kid to quit crying all by himself. For three hours the baby boy cried, and Ryan silently joined him. It was such a miracle they were able to save the baby. How was he going to do this alone?_

_It was a stupid car wreck. She was stopped at a stop light and a drunk driver plowed through the intersection. When he opened the door to see two of his colleagues with solemn looks on their faces, he knew she was gone. He had a strange feeling in his gut all day, and unfortunately he didn't act on it._

_So there he was, alone in a dark hospital room with a tiny baby. The baby had stopped crying, but Ryan hadn't. He held his brand new son to his heart and sat down. How was he supposed to feel? His first child was born and his wife had died in the same day. He jumped when the baby made a "goo" sound in his sleep._

"Are you going to be alright?"

"I'm going to be alone."

"Not forever."

"I don't care."

"Eric and I are here for you. Horatio too. You'll never be alone."

He let go of her hand and turned his head. Why does it take a major tragedy for them to act like he's part of the team? "I need to leave." He said softly.

"Are you going home?"

He stayed silent. She hated his silence. It was starting to scare her. "Why don't you come with me inside?" She looked up. The sun was setting already.

"No."

"Ok. You don't have to, I just…thought you might…I don't know."

He suddenly stood up and stared at the grave in the distance. "I have to go."

"Where are you going?"

He didn't answer. Instead he turned and walked away from her. "Ryan!" She finally called. "Where are you going?"

She saw him open his car door and sit in the vehicle. He sat for about five minutes until he finally turned the car on and slowly drove away. She had a strong feeling this was the last time she would ever see him.

Twenty minutes later, Ryan reached the interstate. As he started to speed up the car, his cell phone started ringing. He glanced at the name. Calleigh Duquesne. After a few minutes, the phone rang again. Eric Delko. Once more, the cell phone rang. Horatio Caine. Ryan winced and rolled down the window and threw the cell phone out. Tears began to well up in his eyes as he kept driving on. He knew running away wasn't the answer. Getting out of Boston made it easier though. But this time he didn't make any transfers or tell anyone where he was going. He didn't go to his apartment and get clothes or anything. He just drove.

The grass was far behind him now.

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**Oh wow. I can't believe I wrote something that sad. I'm horrible. But hey, now that that's out of my system, my other story might come faster haha…So, dry your eyes and tell me what you think!**


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